My optimism is really running out. I am trying to smile more, but my tears flow out a little more often. This is what i hate most about myself. I don't even want to think that this is the lowest period of my life. I kept telling myself to work hard, work hard and work hard. but each time, i find it harder and harder for me to do so. I have never been that stressed, kept crying and crying day after day. I even suspected if there's something wrong with me?

Why am i such a pessimist? Why did the old me go? I read through some blog posts yesterday and all the memories and tears flow. I really cannot take the stress anymore and somehow, I find it difficult to be myself anymore. Why am i so obliged to do so many things? Was I too ambitious? Did I overrate myself? And the answer to me now is a clear yes, why did I even land myself in such a situation?

Who do i turn to? Who can i look for? Whom can i cry to? I am really not sure. I really want to find the old self back, but how do i?

I want to go back to those times when i had pocket money (no matter how little), when i had many friends to go home with, when i had friends to go lessons with, friends to ball with, people to talk to, the heart to whine, the courage to complain, the optimistic outlook of life.

I really screwed things up big time. My one and only chance is gone and so i think..i am screwing my life. Why can't i be stronger?