1 I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2 You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3 Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4 I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5 Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6 The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

7 Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8 Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9 I’ve run away to join a different circus.

10 I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Kate’ instead of Dave.